Joe Rivers is a music writer and Features Editor of independent music and film website, noripcord.com. He also blogs at foreverinacrylicafternoons.blogspot.com

It’s near impossible for me to walk past a display of “lad magazines” without recalling the ridiculous example I saw in 2004. One of the weekly lads’ mags – I can’t remember if it was Nuts or Zoo – carried as the front page headline: “REVEALED – what happens when girls shower!” It was obviously meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but it was still difficult to believe a national magazine would carry such an “investigation” as their main feature. A cursory glance through the pages revealed the following findings:

• Girls tend to shower whilst wearing thongs or G-strings.
• Girls wear lots of make-up in the shower.
• When washing, girls will use the shower head to focus only on the area below the neck (this may be related to the previous point).
• Girls often bring an attractive female friend to shower with.

Scientific research at its finest, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Ridiculous it may be, but it’s the kind of thing people are willing to spend their money on. FHM and Nuts both have circulation figures of over 100,000, with Esquire and Zoo selling over 50,000 per issue. Factor in other lads’ mags like Loaded, and even a conservative estimate reveals over 250,000 different people buying these magazines on a regular basis, with the figure reading them likely to be even higher.

But why is this a problem? In situations such as these, it’s important to know your enemy, so after a visit to the supermarket, I became an embarrassed and apologetic owner of both Nuts and Zoo magazine (20-26 January 2012 editions). Worryingly, I also received a money-off coupon for a future edition of Nuts, so my supermarket loyalty scheme now has me pegged as a lads’ mag enthusiast.

Most of the content was as expected; depressingly simplistic “banter”, articles about fast cars, a few pages about football, and lots of pictures of women in various states of undress. However, look beneath the surface and there’s a more sinister undercurrent. Zoo contains a joke about masturbating over Kate Middleton in a cinema, Nuts contains a (presumably regular) column called “Sex Advice From A Fit Lesbian” and there are numerous requests to send in photos of your significant other in provocative poses. Zoo also contains the most depressing promotional competition I’ve ever seen; the chance to win a “top boys’ holiday” (including free entry to a lap-dancing club) for “Britain’s Most Under The Thumb Man”. With the implication that women nag their partners and that men are weak-willed and put-upon, neither of the genders come out of that one particularly well.

Sexism aside, there’s a nasty seam of homophobia too, particularly in the sport pages. Nuts features “Man-Love Corner!” which displays pictures of footballers embracing one another in celebration and “Stealth Bumming Corner!” where a man positions himself in such a way that the subject of the photo doesn’t realise may look like they’re engaging in anal sex (despite being fully-clothed). With top-quality, era-defining humour like that, it’s not difficult to see why so many people fork out their hard-earned cash on it. There’s a danger that I’m coming across like an uptight killjoy here who can’t appreciate “a bit of a laugh”, but these magazines and others like them are available in shops across the world and reinforce certain views and stereotypes. “Remember, people, women are there for the enjoyment and pleasure of men,” they suggest, “and because homosexuality is a complex and potentially sensitive topic we don’t understand, it must be bad, so let’s ridicule it.”

Of course, the fault for male misogyny doesn’t lie solely at the door of lads’ magazines and, obviously, the concept of men wishing to assert their perceived superiority over women is as old as humankind itself. However, lad culture, as we know it, is a relatively new phenomenon which came to prominence in the mid-1990s along with Britpop. Although Britpop had its artistic and thoughtful types, arguably the most popular band were lad-rock forebearers, Oasis, who contained, in simian simpleton Liam Gallagher, probably the biggest “lad” of them all. The growing popularity of the Premiership (still in its infancy) and the holding of the European Championships in England meant football became the national interest again. After hooliganism blighted the 1980s, the 1990s saw copious amounts of money flow into football and it became such a mainstream pursuit that it outgrew its working-class, male roots, and the middle-class and women became avid fans. The mid-1990s also saw the launch of the original lad titles, FHM and Loaded, which, coupled with the “girl power” aesthetic of the world-conquering Spice Girls, resulted in a brief “ladette” period, where women decided to be empowered by matching the men in terms of alcohol intake and other “lad” behaviours.

Is it dangerous though? I’ve “read” two lads’ mags today and it hasn’t transformed me into a breast-fixated knuckle-dragger, incapable of rational thought and reasoning. As true as that may be, I’m an adult who’s confident in my views and beliefs, but schoolchildren are not, and that’s where I believe the problem lies.

I had my first experience of the world of lads’ mags at the age of 14, when I found a discarded copy of Loaded at my local leisure centre. I took it home and read it intently; it was like being given the key to a tantalising glance at adulthood (I’m showing my age here, 14 year old boys in 2012 have probably viewed hours of hardcore pornography, but that’s an argument for another day). That issue of Loaded – featuring a newly-famous Jordan on the cover – showcased a world where women would pose provocatively for your titillation, submit to your whims, and were always desperate for sex. Less than two years from the age of consent, I was given a preview of what I could expect my life to be like in years to come. I’d seen the future, and it looked like a Robin Askwith movie.

Naturally, my life didn’t quite follow this path and as my teenage years passed, my disdain for this genre of magazines began to grow. To me, they’re for men who can’t handle reality, celebrate their own lack of knowledge, and feel threatened and emasculated at the merest sleight. In short, they resemble the protagonists of Pulp’s wonderfully sharp Joyriders (Oh, and we like women / “Up the women”, we say / And if we get lucky / We might even meet some one day).

But not everyone can grasp that they represent an exaggerated version of life. Like small-minded nationalists, they think they rule all they survey, and anyone different is to be feared and dismissed. This wouldn’t be quite as bad if these magazines only affected the mindsets of boys, but they’re seen by girls too. Therefore, males learn to see females as objects of gratification, and females see that’s what’s expected of them and – in some cases – depressingly conform to that role. During your school years, when adulthood is an exciting, exotic land, messages like this that tell you “how life is” can be dangerously appropriated and become the norm. It’s one of the myriad reasons why feminism still needs to exist and be campaigned for so vociferously.

The solution here is education. There’s obviously nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to sexual desires, and men will always want to look at the bodies of attractive women, but more acceptance needs to be taught. These magazines could prove upsetting and confusing for anyone struggling with their sexual identity, girls with body-confidence issues and those who don’t conform to mainstream ideas of “normality”. These people need to be told that there’s nothing wrong with them, and that these magazines are the problem, not them.

* * * * *

For this piece, I chose to use the lyrics “I love your body because I’ve lost my mind” from Jarvis Cocker’s ‘I Never Said I Was Deep’. I fell in love with this song for its brutally honest, perfectly delivered lyrics, and if lyrics grab me like that (as Jarvis’ more often than not do), I feel like I have to do something with them. Here I wanted to disguise the dark nature of the lyrics under a ‘pretty’ pattern, to take the meaning out of the words and make it into something quite the opposite of how the statement was intended to be read.

* * * * *

Don’t Eat the Sweets is about deciding whether to spend your last few pennies on things like chocolate, crisps and beer, or bread and milk. It’s the ultimate existential dilemma isn’t it? No it’s not. I know. It’s about regrets. Regrets and food.

Originally the lyric was ‘what remains now the food has gone’. When we’re in a bad mood, we play it really slow and gentle live. When we’re feeling good we play it fast and noisy. Sometimes it’s the only song we play. Sometimes people dance. We like it when that happens.

It was the first song I ever wrote but took me ages to have the courage to play it to anyone. The noises that sound like expensive keyboard sounds are made on guitar. The place where I used to live was so cold that the keyboard I had sort of iced up and broke when it thawed out.

I didn’t think it was about anything…

…if my fingertips could be as light as i saw your eyes that night, i’d reach in deeper than i’ve ever gone inside. sweep past those brittle bones, peel back layers of thinner flesh. make from your heart a paper moth, frayed membrane wings, then we could make one of mine, muscles softly shimmering. an ephemeral heaven runs through these familiar veins, if we could just cut them free could we make from them new shapes? another useless guise for the human form, we’d watch them, perfectly small. thin as lace, ribs uncaged. far from those lonely sheets, rising, trembling, lost in the dark. blood flows, falls below in streams…

…clotted, we must have skipped a heart beat somewhere. nerve wings spasm uselessly on the carpet. i see your torn up body curled over itself, fallen, in tears…

James Mullard

* * * * *

Your new EP was inspired by cinema – how important to your personal and artistic development have your influences been? 

It’s something I’ve never been that cognisant of and I think it is a difficult thing to measure in most people. I also think, early on, to really concentrate on it would be imprisoning. Take it all in, then forget about it….always works for me….and maybe, don’t even take it completely in…isolate. Sometimes, like Chris Rock says…”I love not to know”. That way, if I’m writing about a subject others have already written about…I might get close to the same thing they are saying…but my mind won’t automatically make the turn into what they said. To me, all of this helps with finding an initial voice. After that, it’s safer to turn around and look, and make adjustments…and confront the beast head on.

The songs are written from the perspective of more minor film characters – was that an active decision or do you generally find yourself attracted to more sidelined or marginal interests and people?

Both. I AM that person. So, I know the territory.

It seems to me that every time a female artist experiences any success, she’s immediately (and patronisingly) compared to other females regardless of their style, talent or genre in a way male artists don’t seem to be. Have you experienced this? How does it make you feel as a woman and an artist?

Angered. Frustrated. There might be some people who don’t get out of this life alive because of it. It boggles my mind that people think of music in gender terms. It never even crosses my conscious radar. I hear music, not gender. I could copy EXACTLY what a male is doing musically and almost no one will make that connection. They’ll always trot out the old grey mare comparison.

Dear White Males and their Female Suck-up Counterparts, FEMALE IS NOT A CATEGORY. EVEN PIANO PLAYING FEMALE IS NOT A MUSICAL CATEGORY. JUST LIKE ANOTHER RACE IS NOT A MUSIC CATEGORY. JUST LIKE SEXUAL PREFERENCE IS NOT A MUSIC CATEGORY. What year is this?

With regards to this, how important do you think gender is in terms of music? A lot of mainstream female artists come from one very specific (and in my view, boring) mould; should we be talking about this or doing more to support ‘alternative’ female artists?

I think a lot of male artists come from one very specific and boring mould too….LATELY. But, yes, females seem to be even more limited. This is a very complicated subject.  I think the people in charge, at labels, are business people ONLY.

I think research has been done as to what has sold the best in the past…with no concern for the future (progress or change). I think people, “artists”, want to make money so they conform. I think we have to stop caring about these things SO MUCH. I think some real bravery will have to happen.

To what extent does your art influence your life and your experiences and vice versa?

There is no difference between my “art” and my life. You will find no line of demarcation. I don’t have the capacity for other existences…much to the terminal frustration of almost any loved one. This is not to say everything is on display…I shiver to think. It’s just I am narrow and have one real interest and purpose, and everything else lap dances around it and for it.

Your music is very cerebral – do you think much modern pop music is bereft of intelligence?

See, I think my music is visceral, emotional. I hate anything that’s only cerebral. It’s so boring to me. I was on an art website a couple of days ago and the work was so brainy I thought…”WHO is this going to move or connect with?” Sorry if this disappoints but I need the physical. There HAS to be something organic or sexual or tactile to a creation in order for it to interest me, particularly with music. Many times you just want to NOT THINK…shut off the brain….and be moved. But, the goal, the peak, is to have both. Something that has both is unbeatable. I would marry it.

Do you have any plans to tour the UK in 2012?

I would like to. Am thinking about an extended stay. But, am also thinking about winged horses.

* * * * *

Churchill called it the black dog. Sniffing and snuffling around, snapping at heels and snarling.  Utterly unrelenting until sated by succumbing to its demands and awarding it the attention it craves. In my experience, the gentle sink into depression is not as violent. The initial roughness of a canine’s unexpected bark is absent. Fear is replaced with numbness and a creeping, leaden sense of self.  Like dreary British weather, familiar and inevitable, depression is a storm cloud suspended above your head by invisible strings of anxiety and misery. So when these strings are plucked by circumstance or strummed by some insignificant trigger, the patter of raindrops is expected, where have you been I’ve been waiting for you I’m almost glad you’re back soothe me. Burgeoning validation taps a light rhythm on your shoulders with the reminder that happiness is, as you’ve always suspected, a fleeting illusion.

A patter turns into a shower far faster than you’d imagine. Invisible forces jam and improvise as they build on the darkness and paranoia, bleeding together an awkward juxtaposition of self-hatred and overwhelming narcissism. Just let it settle down there on your shoulders, you weren’t planning on loving yourself anytime soon. Often, it’s best to embrace this rush of feeling. At least you’re feeling something you soulless piece of There may be a storm brewing, but storms can be weathered, any mug knows that. You fucking mug. Just smile and laugh when other people do, when society dictates that you should. Widen your eyes like you’re listening. Don’t let on.

Ignore the thundering of madness throbbing and thrumming as uncomfortable thoughts vibrate around your skull and drown out the final dregs of sensible emotion. Resist, refrain, restrain until dread and despair rattle your bones until there’s nothing but a deep, dull ache, like flu, but less socially acceptable. You are worthless, everybody knows it you’re in the way stop getting in the way. The dreaded release of sleep comes in waves: insomnia/blackouts/4am weeping/like a baby. Sleep is simply preparing for death. You don’t want to die. You don’t want to live.

There’s a grotesque beauty to being alone. Maintaining relationships with the people who put up with you becomes unbearable as you swing from infatuated clinginess do you love me why don’t you love me to shielding yourself, creating barriers and pushing away love I am a rock I am an island. As a child you learned about calculating the number of miles you are from a storm by counting the number of seconds that elapse between thunder crashes and lightning flashes. Separate yourself. They don’t need to be rained on too.

I fled the storm to a lonely hotel room in an unknown city on Christmas Eve. Each festive song on telly/radio/strangers tuneless humming provokes unwelcome swellings of nostalgia for a time when this wasn’t my default. The storm followed of course it did.

* * * * *

We’ll be taking a short break after Christmas but will be back with a vengeance in 2012 with new artists, poets and other excellence. Thank you all for supporting the site, it’s been a very surprising and successful six months and we’ve only done it with the help and support of all our readers.

We hope you have a lovely Christmas and New Year.

* * * * *

Plunder forth, I upset my kin!
A lust for sadness in wretched skin.
And made ashamed, for reasons be
Fretful by the truth you see.
With Death, an omen, and not restored
His sighs, cast down; the evening roar.
As the clocks- they chime, to let it in
And summons forth a thought of sin.
“For I, was one, and one was whole
I hearten thee to rinse this soul
Of slavish not, but banal me!
A leper to infinity”
And just a thought; not to upset
We all sail through impartial death
To harbour sadness at our feet
And drown before the ocean speaks.

* * * * *

 Do you have a specific aim or manifesto in terms of what you’re trying to do with your music?

Helen: Although The Ritas first appeared for one afternoon in 2005, my wish to do more than just play guitar at home really came with the student protests last November (2010). They crystallised a moment for me, the fear people felt about what the Condem coalition were going to do. I had to channel my fear and rage somehow. We also write songs about our own experiences. We’ve heeded Morrissey – Sing Your Life.

Olivia: To say important things and look good whilst doing it. To show that some fanpeople are inspired by bands in a constructive way, rather than spending all of their time getting drunk at gigs. To share our experiences, no matter how destroying they might have been. To kick-start a Queer, Socialist world revolution (although that might just be me).

Do you feel there’s a lack of intelligence in modern music? A lot of bands in the past have spoken extensively about the books and politics that inspired their music; do you think this should be something bands talk more about?

H: Only if it’s natural to them. It would be awkward if bands banged on about books, pretending they read them to appear intellectual. I do feel though, that we need bands with interesting lyrics. At the moment, I like Pete & The Pirates for their lyrics – you could say they’re heading towards comedy but I think how they put lyrics about the frustrations of cat ownership to melodramatic music is quite clever. The Joy Formidable are fantastic – Ritzy sings and plays with rage and passion and there’s a great intelligence in what they do. Maybe that’s what modern music lacks – bands being unashamed of being clever. Nicky Wire had a point with Three Door Cinema Club – what are they actually singing about? Most bands around seem to bump the lyrics in as an afterthought. Lyrics are important!

O: I do but, like Helen said, I don’t think it’s something that bands should do unless it comes naturally. Faux intellectuals are one of my pet hates.  I don’t really listen to new bands because I find their interviews boring, uninspiring and unintelligent. I rarely hear lyrics on the radio that make me think.

Richey Edwards once said “All rock ‘n’ roll is homosexual” – How important do you feel gender and sexuality are in terms of music?

H: Going into a guitar shop when you’re a woman is a pain in the arse. You’re a novelty. It’s the same with doing gigs. It’s such a blokey environment. Maybe it’s why I feel like a man when I’m on stage.

O: As someone who is Queer and who also falls under the Trans umbrella, I find both things to be extremely important. I find the mainstream music industry to be very straight and extremely cis-dominated. Women in music are still patronised. At our first gig, the sound engineer assumed we were the support band. I admire Nicky Wire greatly for the way in which he plays with gender and also for writing Born A Girl, which I can really relate to. Him getting on stage in a skirt and make up at a sold out gig in Cardiff, a place that has quite a macho element, is just absolutely amazing. I also admire Morrissey, Brett Anderson and the New York Dolls for playing with gender too.

Your image and influences seem quite retro. How important is the past to you?

H: I think history is important – it’s not dead because it’s shaped the world we live in. Saying that though, I really hate it when people hitch up “vintage” to “nostalgia”. I like vintage style but I don’t like vintage attitudes and I am under no illusions that the past was a golden place.

O: I wear the clothes I do because I like them. I’m not into a specific scene or look and I hate cliques that form that are just based on how people dress. The past is important to me, especially culturally because a lot of the art, music and film that I like was made before I was even born. People who say things like “I wish I could’ve been alive in the 1940’s!” amuse me endlessly.

Who are your most important influences, on both personal and music levels?

H: Morrissey, the Manics and Suede are big influences on me. They made it possible to sing about whatever you feel you need to personally. I’m obsessed with the Brontë sisters; they’re The Ritas of the 1840’s. In terms of style: Audrey Hepburn, Maria Callas, Pete Townshend and Rita Hayworth.

O: Morrissey is probably my biggest influence. When I first heard his lyrics, every single line appealed to me. His words have rescued me from some terrible moments in my life. Elizabeth Taylor is also a big influence; to me she is a symbol of strength and glamour. The Manics have been a constant influence in my life since I was 11, even if I have tried to deny it at times. Noises and buildings in cities influence me. Constructivism influences me. Berlin influences me.

Where can we hear your music and where can we see you play?

H: iTunes and various gigs in 2012. Check our website, Twitter and Facebook for updates.